Life Is Like a Box of Idiots
by flowingsabre
Summary: An ongoing assortment of slightly oversized drabbles featuring the indefatigable idiots of Tenchi Academy. This update: Halloween excitement with the resident spiritualists and their... friends.
1. Shizuku's Thoughts

The glorious morning sun erupts through the windows of the chairwoman's office, and yet I can't quite appreciate its fire. You see, positioned between the light and me is a thing that far exceeds the sun's brilliance.

Hitsugi-san sits quietly at her desk, her gaze locked on something beyond the shadows the window frame casts across her desk.

She—is she bored? Oh, dear, I so rarely catch her in time. Or at all, in some cases. I'd better do something.

_And if in doing so I gain her focused attention…so be it_.

"Hitsugi…san? Is something the matter?"

She absently taps out a rhythm on one of the light squares projected across her desk, but does not provide a direct answer. I feel like an idiot here; hang on a sec…

Ah, that…that's the same as the series of thrusts she'd practiced last week, I'm sure of it! Just like her to work on her technique in even the slightest window of opportunity.

Without thinking, I mirror her with my two sword style, but behind my back, against the scabbards slung from my belt. In the silence of the room, this pitiful subterfuge is entirely wasted.

Wasted? No. She just looked at me, at last. And she smiled.

That's never a waste.


	2. Michi's Bright Idea

"I'd say I hope you know what you're doing, but you don't. And we both know it."

"Well, yeah…"

"Yep. That's the point of this whole crazy attempt, so."

"…Yeah."

"Now stand up straight and tall, Kiji-chan! Call that lightning right on down!"

The clouds overhead churned in time with the contents of Otoha's stomach. She had quite voluntarily promised her shinyuu that she'd start doing her best to pull her own weight in their partnership, but she hadn't expected Michi to take such an interest in the details of the process.

With a dramatic and petulant sigh, Otoha began to channel the elemental energies relevant to the budding storm.

Michi quietly oohed and awed as a blue glow spilled into the air around her shinyuu.

"Water, a-ok. Not like she's ever used it effectively in a fight, but hey."

"You kinda suck at whispering, ya know," shot back Otoha between light gasps.

"I will behave myself now."

_We're screwed. I am especially screwed, being the focus of this stuff. Man,_ thought Otoha. She sighed, hastily this time, and immediately segued into the next element of the storm.

The faint grayish haze of Air spiraled around Otoha for the space of a breath before her concentration was drawn to a more urgent target.

The charge in the ground near the two was building rapidly enough that even Michi sensed it.

For a moment, she considered trying to drag her shinyuu out of there. _Nope, too late for her,_ she mused. _And me? I—I'm not gonna. I asked her to do this, and, well, I can just eat it._

_At least she probably sucks too much to get us killed. And we can bond together in the infirmary!_

Content that at least some uptick in team effectiveness would ensue from her suggested exercise, Michi relaxed, and awaited the lightning.


	3. Ensuu's Unusual Feast

Steam curled around Ensuu's face as Meiko carefully placed before her the roasted chicken the cafeteria staff provided her weekly as a peace offering. Her eyes glazed with anticipation, she reached forward with a tenderness and delicacy even her shinyuu would have thought beyond her capacity, were it not for the fact that she bore silent and highly entertained witness to this spectacle every Thursday at 6pm, sharp.

But this time, the dance of ages choked to a halt at an unforetold variation. As her hand closed upon what should have been the first drumstick, Ensuu found only air.

Ensuu was not one to be satisfied with anything less than flesh.

Somewhat luckily, her bemused second grab found a close, albeit unusual, equivalent: an unexpected bonus hand.

Ensuu would be glad to accept this alternate offering. She was unaware that Japanese chickens could have such a feature, but she was not one to question it. Surely a chicken hand, even a weird Japanese one, would be as luscious as any other chicken part.

"OWWWW!"

"Tsukishima-san, why might you be here, in my room, partially under a table, being bitten by my shinyuu?"

"I regret nothin'. 'Cept not gettin' to eat the whooole thing first."

"Keep biting, Ensuu."

Ensuu did not respond verbally. She knew her shinyuu would realize that she agreed wholeheartedly. Meiko was smart like that. Quite unlike one Tsukishima Minori.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"


	4. Jun's Comrade

"Tatewaki-san?"

"Uwa! Where did YOU come from?"

"I'm a ninja. So, it ok if I ask you something?"

"It's the arm, isn't it?"'

"Yeah, so. You're not a swordbearer, so how'd ya pick up a broken arm? Or is that sling just for dramatic effect? 'Cause trying to win sympathy points with that one over there is a plain lost cause."

"And why do you care?"

"One stalker to another, I'd rather you experience...professional success. A rising tide lifts all skirts, right?"

"I am now busily pretending that you would not include Hitsugi-sama in that absurd metaphor of yours."

"You know you'd like it."

"NOT WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WATCHING-oh no, that did not just pop out... I… "

"Ok, ok, let's go back to your arm, before you snap something else there!"

"Well, I, by my dedicated observation and research-"

"I approve."

"-Successfully located the training room in Hitsugi-sama's residence. Truly, all I wanted was to watch from the shadows; well, it would've been nice to witness Shizuku eating one of Hitsugi-sama's finest strikes, too."

"A-ha~! Looks more like you served as a stand-in for Shizuku in the way you'd least enjoy!"

"Therein, the belated explanation for the loud crack that so distressed my Shizuku in the midst of our match. And it was such a fine sequence she had been in the midst of unleashing. I was quite disappointed, Tatewaki."

"Hi-hi-hitsugi-sama! You-you-you were listening!"

"What she failed to realize was that the two of us would require every last centimeter of floor space to contain our dueling wills. I suppose poetic punishment has been brought upon her by her own self, at least. I still expect those spreadsheets by noon tomorrow. Good day, then."

"Make the best of a sad situation, Tatewaki-san! Just think: Hitsugi-san may have laid hands upon you in the heat of passion!"

"But it was actually meant for Shizuku? Of course. Why is it always this way? WHY?"

"Well, that's impressive. I've never seen someone cry loud enough to put Hayate-chan off her lunch…"


	5. Akira's Downfall

A faint metallic whine was not the most dignified noise a student council member had ever teased from the Hoshitori bell, and yet it pleased Akira to no end that she had managed it.

"That lapdog wouldn't even think of training like this."

She grinned with half her teeth and seethed through the rest at the thought of the kaicho's shinyuu.

"I _could_ pound this into next week and show her how it's done, but I'm not gonna."

A few more strikes skimmed the bell's curves as Akira considered it.

"Though it sure would be satisfying."

"Why not go right ahead?"

For a very long, muddled moment she simultaneously strove to contain a strangled yelp, to avoid setting off the bell with her interrupted momentum, and to process exactly who had spoken.

When her brain caught up with the rest of her, she determined that while, quite luckily, the speaker had not been either of the ruling pair of swordbearers, her luck had run out shortly thereafter. Her hands clenched in twin death grips on her sword and on the lip of the central shaft of the bell tower, she glared balefully up at her own broadly smiling shinyuu.

"Problem, Mikadon? I mean... surely you can still show us all just how a strong student council member smites the bell, even from there?"

Akira just glowered at her and saved her other energies for not plummeting to her death.

"Well then, I'll be off to secure a better vantage point for your demonstration. Please, don't keep me waiting long!"

_I guess I oughta be half-proud that she trusts that I'm not gonna die here_, she thought as she listened to Sae's jauntily retreating footsteps. _Well, not gonna leave _her_ hanging_.

Sae made it one step past the threshold of the tower before the shock of the bell's tolling struck her. Covering her stumble of surprise and anticipating the arrival of an angry Shizuku, she began to jog away from the tower, counting softly to herself. At the count of thirteen, a sweat-drenched Akira was panting alongside her.

"Why, ten flights of stairs that fast? Guess I'd better keep you around after all."

"Oh, sure," retorted Akira between gasps. "Bit too soon for me to fall for that one, thanks."

Sae smiled, and Akira shut up and ran.


	6. Jun's Health Class

Everyone had forgotten about Jun. Just as she had planned.

Each girl moved through the obnoxiously pink workbook their teacher had distributed, their initial unease melting away in the face of its friendly, practical contents.

_We might actually learn something in class for once_, they all thought, growing steadily more sure as they flipped through each engaging page, occasionally stopping to poke themselves and hum quietly.

Not a one looked up from their book as Jun smiled a cat's smile. Nonetheless, she dampened it after a mere moment, unwilling to risk her plan's success.

_Odd, I thought these guys could _sense_ that smile of mine. Guess I've been slacking, and the prey's gotten complacent._

Jun relaxed against the chair, only to stiffen again immediately as a single frown appeared elsewhere in the room.

_Oh, no. No no no. I forged that font _perfectly_, unless maybe the actual content's building up a bit too fast for them? Keep it cool, keep it together, Jun._

Her fears were dashed away in a burst of glee as the first of her classmates absently tapped on her neighbor's shoulder and whispered a request.

A moment later, a hand shot up, and Jun nearly suffered a heart attack.

"Yamamoto-Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"This next page has some partner work. Are we supposed to do that now?"

"Well, I suppose so. I was instructed to give you those books and let you figure things out for yourselves. If the instructions describe such an activity, then please proceed. It's part of the learning process, after all."

"Ah...ok, then."

A few moments later, pairs of students had their hands awkwardly under each other's shirts.

Jun gave a loud mental "_Yeeeesssss!_", only to realize a moment later that she had in fact said it aloud and was now the focus of two dozen sets of murderous eyes.

"Ah. Well, then... I'm out!"

Next the class knew, the rearmost window was flapping open, and the object of their ire had escaped.

The teacher sighed at the latest Jun-related interruption. "Class, do continue with the workbook. Kuga-san will simply have to repeat health class. And not for the first time, I hear. I trust the rest of you will be more studious than she?"

The students shrugged and carried on.

Meanwhile, Jun nestled a few drinks into the branches of a nearby treetop and settled in to enjoy the show. Again.


	7. Otoha's Unwanted Attention

Disclaimer: Hayate X Blade and its associated characters belong to Shizuru Hayashiya/Shueisha, long may they reign.

* * *

><p>"Oh come on, Kiji-chan! We're gonna miss breakfast!"<p>

Otoha refused to poke her head out of the covers, but her vigorous head-shaking was obvious nonetheless.

"Seriously, come _on_!"

"Good morning, you two! And good morning to you as well, Kurageya-dono!"

At Isuzu's cryptic double greeting, Otoha and Otoha's blankets jerked further back toward the wall.

"Eh?" was the intelligent response of Otoha's shinyuu.

"Oh, and I see you've brought Yama-no-hage along. Are you enjoying today, you fine gentlemen?"

Michi's attention was recaptured as her shinyuu began to produce a sort of high pitched whine.

"Ummm, so, Wan-Wan, who're ya talking to?"

"Oh, right. You know what day it is, yes?"

"Halloween? But, I don't get the connection."

"Why, this is the day on which the veil between the worlds is at its faintest! It feels as if I'm…breathing pure oxygen!"

Meanwhile, Otoha gave every impression that she had given up on breathing wholesale.

Suddenly, Isuzu turned from Michi to the huddled ball of terror that would normally serve as Michi's shinyuu, and smiled warmly.

"Awww, they're trying to cheer her up!"

"NOPE NOPE NOPE!"

In the space of one of the breaths Otoha wasn't taking, the poor girl was all the way down the hall, still screaming "NOPE!" from beneath her blankets.

"Wait, no! They're just trying to help!"

Left alone in her dorm room, Michi sighed loudly.

"You can chase her all you like, Wan-Wan, but she ain't coming back until she's had her fill of running and screaming. Trust me."

* * *

><p>Somewhat later…<p>

"Jun-Jun, do ya see what I see?"

"Probably not quite the same thing, but shoot."

After getting themselves mutually and summarily ejected from Ayana's, and technically Jun's, room, Hayate and Jun had taken to wandering idly around the hallways, hoping to spot some daring Halloween costumes. Their efforts had until now gone unrewarded.

"A ghost bein' chased by Inu-chan!"

And indeed, Otoha's sheet-clad form did remarkably resemble that of a classical cartoon ghost, though Jun's practiced eye discerned the girl beneath from her gait alone.

"Not the most realistic ghost I've ever seen, but I trust that girl to recognize a ghost that needs chasing when she sees it."

Jun nodded sagely to herself, internally drawing parallels to her own gift for spotting girls who need chasing. Distracted by her inner musings, she barely noticed that her companion had led her to said companion's dorm room.

"Hey, hey, Moka-chan! Ready to get up and at everybody?"

"Hoi! How're you guys enjoying whatever festivities are going on out there?"

"Well," Jun smirked. "There's one attraction that may interest you specifically."

"Eh?"

"We just witnessed Inugami-san and Kijimiya-san in the midst of some bedsheet-related shenanigans. I thought you should know."

Momoka stared blankly at Jun for a moment before carefully reaching for her shoes beside the bed, deliberately putting them on, and suddenly dashing past her visitors and down the nearest staircase, still in her pajamas.

Jun laughed and strolled back into the hallway.

"Let's find someplace _good_ to watch this, Hayate-chan. Assuming you're in."

"Oh! Totally! Moka-chan will never lose."

* * *

><p>Note: The ghost names aren't legit, in case anyone was confused there. Japanese word salad. … Or are they? Why not ask the one behind you right now?<p> 


End file.
